I'm an Achiever.
I didn't need an Enneagram test to tell me this, or possibly to tell you this either. But since I'm an Achiever, I took the test anyway.
Overly concerned with their image and what others think of them.
I have been this way ever since I can remember. I drive myself into the ground to prove to myself, but mostly to others, that I am capable. Worthy. Accomplished. 5 stars.
This perfectionism plays itself out in virtually every area of my life. I've convinced myself that I need to earn a 4.0, to qualify for the Boston Marathon, to wear a certain size of clothes, and to have those 5 yellow stars next to my name on the dogsitting website, on our AirBnB listing, and in my Etsy shop.
Reviews make or break me.
I didn't realize this until recently, when I mused aloud to my husband, "It would absolutely crush me if I got one bad rating on Rover (the dogsitting app)."
The words didn't sound so flat and absurd when they were just swirling around in my head.
"Really?" he asked. "You let the opinions of others hold that much power over you?"
Yeah, I guess I do. Or at least, I have. I'm trying to turn a new leaf.
The thing is, I love caring for people's pets and humans and hosting travelers in our home. I love hand lettering, writing, and crafting. I want to excel at those things. But admittedly, I often crave excellence so that people will notice and so that those 5 little stars remain perfectly filled. Rarely ever do I work hard for the sole purpose of doing a good job.
More often than not, the most important jobs are unrated. Nobody is handing out stars for being a great mom, wife, or friend. Unfortunately for me, this can mean that these most important roles are shoved to the back burner to make room for less important but more visible ones.
On the rare occasions when my priorities are properly aligned, I still seek positive reviews and perfect ratings in places where they don't always exist.
This is especially true in my role as a mom. I take my kids to do fun activities, but it's more for my sake than for theirs. I tend to care about my appearance (on social media and otherwise) at the expense of their little hearts.
When we were going through the application and home study process to become certified as a foster family, the case worker interviewed our five-year-old. One of the questions presented was, "What do you like to do with your family?"
"I just like to be together with them," she answered simply.
She always gives some variation of this answer when asked a similar question. She never names "the Instagram moments," such as the zoo, the splash pad, or even our vacations. "I just like to snuggle with Mommy on the couch," she says.
My husband doesn't care if I'm a 4.0 student. My friends don't care if I'm an AirBnB Superhost. My daughters don't care if I'm the perfect Etsy shop owner or marathoner. In fact, they don't even care if I'm the perfect mom. They only care that I'm their mom.
It's time to start letting those closest to me tell me who I am instead of striving for admiration that is fickle and fading.
My favorite book is East of Eden (John Steinbeck) when I have to name an adult book and You Are Special (Max Lucado) when it is permissible to name a kids' book.
In You Are Special, the wooden Wemmick people walk around all day, giving each other ugly gray dot stickers or beautiful star stickers. They make judgments about each other and hand out stickers accordingly. Everyone wants to have tons of stars. (This sounds familiar.) One Wemmick, Lucia, has neither stars nor dots because "the stickers only stick if you let them". Since Lucia cares only what her Maker thinks of her, she is able to let go of perfection and competition and discover true freedom.
In the words of John Steinbeck, "Now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good."
That's a perfect goal for me.